I honestly started this blog post months back, when C & I first found out that we were expecting. Since then, so much has happened. C's health has been quite a rollercoaster to say the least, but we're journeying along. Many of you have reached out to us and I've also had the chance to chatting with friends about their journey, that I wanted to share our story to tell how we got here.
Starting a family has always been a conversation topic between C & I.
We've talked tons about it, prayed about it, worried about it, pondered about it, debated about it... yes, we're quite logical people. There was just so much more to it than a normal couple that we have faced and may have to face, so it was a much more of a conscious decision. We knew that while we were happy with just the two of us, if given the opportunity, we also wanted to create a legacy and pass on what God has given us both towards a family.
When we first got married, we both decided that we would at least wait two years, so that we could first enjoy our married lives with just the two of us. Because we didn't live together prior to marriage, or travel together with just the two of us, it was a very enriching time that we both treasured. It was part of the reason we got married earlier, when most of our friends our age still weren't considering marriage.
However, soon after marriage, C had gotten sick. And so, even the thought of trying kind of faded away - we didn't even think about it when we hit our second year. We were just so focused on healing and trying to get better. At some point, we thought that maybe he wouldn't ever get better, so what's the point of bringing another being into this earth into our troubles? We knew having children wasn't going to be easy. "Worth it", as everyone tells you. But, no one ever tells you that their lives became considerably easier with having children. Additionally, there was the fear of passing this on to our child, and I just felt that I personally couldn't handle more than this.
So, in all of this, we prayed, and prayed and committed this to God.
Now that we're in our thirties (me in a few weeks), a lot of our peers are having children left right and center, it was getting harder to ignore the sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken, social pressures. Thankfully, our parents understood where we were at and didn't really pressure us so much. It wasn't that we didn't want to try - we couldn't. A lot of the medication that C was taking wasn't going to be good, and it was going to take time to wean off those and the priority was his health. We weren't going to jeopardize his recovery for this rather selfish endeavor.
Yes, the struggle was real.
We were struggling with the thought of wanting and not wanting to start a family, and also the fact that our realities weren't matching up to have a good environment. But, through these struggling, we learned that we did have a desire to start a family, whether it's on our own or by adoption, so that we could pass on a legacy.
Early last year, we threw in the towel and decided that if C wasn't going to get better, we were just going to try anyway. We had applied a similar logic with our trips - that whether or not C was better, we were still going to travel. It just didn't sit well with us that we were only going to wait until everything was ready that we could travel, so we thought the same for trying.
After all, you're never really ready for a child, right?
After a few months, we were successful, but sadly, it ended within a few days. We had a chemical pregnancy. It's a very very early miscarriage, but it was still a loss that we took to heart. I guess it was God's way of telling us that it really wasn't time, but we were just hoping it was our time, you know? It compounded with all the thoughts of C's rollercoaster ride of ulcerative colitis, the struggles of my own business, and all of those hormones, and it hit me, especially, really hard. For someone who's Type A and pretty much made her way throughout her life, I had never been out of control so much, this way. Most of my life is a reflection of hard work producing results, but with C's health stuff - sometimes nothing just works. In fact, most of the time, nothing seemed to work. So, for this to happen, it was heart-wrenching and I couldn't help but feel sad about it.
It just really felt that nothing was going our way, and that it was unfair, and I felt that the experience of it was unnecessary.
I had been walking alongside a close friend of mine who had an early miscarriage as well. She fortunately got pregnant right away, but was plagued with anxiety and depression the entire time, out of fear, and I saw firsthand how that drove her crazy. And no one could tell you that it wouldn't happen again, because it did happen before. I absolutely understood what she felt then. I knew that this would plant a fear and anxiety in me that I didn't have, before.
After that, C got progressively worse, which eventually led to his surgery. So, we couldn't really try again at that time. Additionally, my cycles went haywire and I wasn't ovulating. For the first time in my life, I had no control over my health, too. It was truly was a humbling experience.
There was no one to blame, but it was just a hard lesson on patience and perseverance.
Even though I wasn't experiencing any pain, I sort of physically felt what C would feel every time he went to the washroom, only it was the monthly reminder that came and the arduous wait and hope that my cycles would go back to normal again. I'm sure that the additional stress didn't help it all come back. I tried medication and natural methods, but all was naught for 5-6 months.
But as a family, our focus was certainly not on trying, it was on C's health. And by God's grace, He led C to have surgery. After C's first surgery, the turnaround was amazing. I was so grateful and thankful. I really felt that I had my husband again. All his friends mentioned how nice it was to be able to hang out with C again. C's recovery from the first surgery wasn't that easy either, but it was miles from what his suffering in colitis entailed. As I said, it was a wonderful lesson of persevering and learning to let go and truly trusting in God. Coincidentally, once C was getting better, my cycles suddenly went back to normal again.
Fast forward to us coming home from our trip in Peru. C and I were so incredibly blessed to have been able to go on this trip at all, now that C was feeling normal enough to enjoy the beautiful country, and even get to go hike. Then the news came! We were so surprised and happy and elated to find out that we were expecting. We rejoiced at this incredible miracle, but being my cautious self, it coupled with fear and anxiety. I think the first week was the most anxious of them all, as our first one didn't last a week.
But God met me in this entire experience through Clement.
Now, C became the encourager and supporter. He was so trusting (to God), and kept just believing. He helped me worry less and to just ground myself in God and in my worrying to just pray. He encouraged me to continue to walk and exercise so that it would keep my mind off of it. It was kind of funny hearing the stuff I always tell him, be repeated back to me. And by God's grace, I have been feeling pretty good the past couple of months that I'm able to continue working and exercising. The daily morning walks with God have been so refreshing and enriching. It's been an amazing practice to stop and reflect at God's grace that has been abounding in our lives, in good times and in bad times. How His compassions has been new every morning.
Great is Thy Faithfulness.
I'm sure our dear child will one day tell me to stop singing to him/her [I really cannot sing for the life of me], but for now, it's going to have to enjoy listening to my broken hymn singing. Because I can't stop singing about God's grace. In these times that I've spent with God, I've realized that there's no greater blessing than being with Him. But in answering this prayer for us, both C and I felt a little bit of heaven here on earth, that we weren't forgotten. That in spite of our still current struggles with C's recovery, we have a little kicking reminder that His love never fails.
We love you little baby C, we can't wait to meet you in June.
P.S. That's little baby C's little foot!