On Frustrations

Lately I’ve been feeling extra down and frustrated, and I can’t help but compare. My friend G reminded me of the quote that “Comparison is the thief of joy”, and it’s true in all circumstances.

You’re probably wondering where this is all stemming from.

Maybe it’s because it’s summertime, and it’s so beautiful in Vancouver. I’ve got a bucket list of items I’d love to do and look forward to doing. Hiking, biking, strolling in the parks, exploring new places, and even camping. Ever since Clement hasn’t been feeling well, our list of things (or to be precise, my list of things…) has gotten shorter and shorter, and there are times where I’ve got to do certain things on my own. But it’s been tough because I specifically have that list because I want to create memories together, as a married couple.

And believe me, I know. I know.

His health is seriously the most important thing right now. You’re probably even thinking, “Seriously, Karla? You’re concerned about those things, when we’re just lucky he’s still alive.” His well-being, is far more important that silly hikes and restaurants we want to try. Far more than going on a camping trip that could tire him and just make him more sick. I scold myself often to stop being so selfish.

But as a human being, I can’t help but my eyes wander. I see friends and family that are absolutely healthy and travelling the world, or having the most fun food adventures, and going on amazing hikes and taking breathtaking pictures, and their struggles are which place to go next. I see married couples enjoying the first few years of their marriage, or starting to plan to have family, and their worries are which stroller to pick. I know God’s set us on this extraordinary journey for a reason, but I can’t help but crave the normality of the ordinary. I see all things things I don’t even when or if I’ll ever get to do them. I see people “livin’ the life!!”. (I know, I am a selfish being…) Can’t help but ask, “Where are You, God?” Here we are, still holding on, still don’t know where we’re going.

In two separate instances, God has reminded me of Peter’s story in the Bible when he wanted to follow Jesus walking on the water in Matthew 14.

Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?

And I’m so incredibly humbled by this story. Here is God, leading Clement and I in this extraordinary journey, and all I’m doing is looking around at the waves of struggle and winds of trials, no wonder why I’m sinking (or I feel like I’m sinking…). I know all I have to do is to fix my eyes on Jesus, and take captive of every thought to Him (2 Corinthians 10:5). So I’ve created a new list –  writing down the most random things I’m thankful for, whether it’s a hug, or a moment of silence when we are together, or a movie we watched together, so that anytime I start to compare, I take a quick peek at that list and I am reminded of the many blessings God has given the two of us. There’s always something to be thankful for, and Clement is an incredible guy undergoing some incredible challenges. And I praise God for that.

This excerpt from Habakkuk 3, and I’ve written it in calligraphy in the picture, really paints quite an amazing picture of what going through all these struggles are like.

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

The irony of it all, is, before all these challenges, I know if God gave me a choice if I wanted to live an extraordinary life, or a normal life – I would probably have picked extraordinary. And extraordinary doesn’t ever come easy, I think.
If you remember us in your prayers, please pray that we may fix our eyes on Jesus, not to waver in our trust that He will see us through this unexpected journey.