On Faithfulness
During my devotions this past couple of weeks I came across what seemed to me, such an ironic verse in Psalms 86.
Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
I found it so ironic because we know of His faithfulness, but it’s so hard to rely on it at times because we don’t understand what is going on. And there are times that it just makes absolutely no sense.
These past couple of weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for Clement and I, both emotionally (for myself, I think!) and physically (for Clement!). We’ve started to see some improvement (!!!), albeit being 0.001% at a time, but in every little step, we are just so thankful. Alongside these mini improvements, we’ve also noticed a whole lot more side effects as well. My theory is that, the medicine must be starting to work, diverting the gut-directed white blood cells away from his colon. But at the same time, maybe his immune system is now a little bit more confused and he’s started to feel random pains in his joints and some muscles as well. Not constantly, it comes and goes.
Joint pain hurts. And it is incredibly annoying. For a couple of weeks it really hurt to see Clement hobble around the house like a grandpa. More than ever, we were stuck at home. In fact, this was the first time Clement actually took days off work because he physically just couldn’t really do his job as he couldn’t move with lots of pain. Thank God it has worn off a little bit, and it’s no longer in his knees, so he’s able to go back. But in those days, reading that verse was so hard-hitting to me. Where every little step you make has to be intentional, because it hurts, and you really don’t want to waste your energy going everywhere.
I know what it felt like to hobble around like a grandpa. When I was 18, I just finished our track and field season in my freshman year in university. Athletically, I was at my peak. I was breaking personal bests and continuously pushing my body to the limit. Finally tapering off, my teammates and I were eager to relax and play some other sports, so we went to play badminton. One game, one fateful game. I tore my ACL in that game. Two weeks later I went through ACL reconstructive surgery. From a sprinter and a heptathlete hopeful, I had to relearn how to walk. I didn’t realize how complex it was to walk. How both your knees need to be bent at different times, how your heel was to hit the ground… you’d think it would come naturally. I hobbled around for a good couple of months. It was 3 months after when I was finally able to jog, and that was already considered fast. But God really strengthened my faith in that entire experience. I had so much downtime that I learned how to be still and really reflect on every single thing. How to rely on His faithfulness. And how to trust that He is in control even though it was pretty daunting to me on how much I had to catch up to my teammates who were training and improving their performance so much, while I was still stuck in therapy. I just never wanted to be a burden or a losing link.
But God was truly faithful. I competed in my first competition 5.5 months after my surgery. It was truly a miracle how fast God enabled me to get enough strength and speed into my legs. And that year, I won my first medal with the team. Because I had to relearn how to walk, and jog and run, I was able to also fix some of the issues I couldn’t fix before my injury. I actually ran faster than I ever did before. I know for certain that God allowed this to happen for a much better purpose, even though it made no sense. Because of that, I continue to hope for Clement that he will experience this miracle as well. As we go through these aches and pains, we are learning resilience, perseverance, faithfulness – complete reliance on His faithfulness.
Clement would be undergoing his colonoscopy again on Tuesday. Please continue to pray for him that his body would continue to heal, and that the doctor would be able to identify what is going on inside of him. And hopefully this little silver lining would turn into a bright blue sky with a rainbow.
Thank you :)
