On Disappointment

This week has been incredibly tough for Clement and I. Early in the week, we had his colonoscopy that I mentioned in my last post. I had been learning a lot about faithfulness and it was so refreshing to finally see some improvement in Clement’s health so far, albeit 0.001% every day, we were thankful for every little bit of it.

So I actually expected quite a bit from this colonoscopy. To be precise, it was a sigmoidoscopy, so it didn’t involve any sedation, as it was supposed to be just a quick peek. Clement had been experiencing side effects a few weeks ago (thank goodness it’s much less now), so the doctor wanted to take a look to make sure he wasn’t dying in there. But since that visit, we’ve been seeing some improvement, so what I hoped was that the scope will show that finally we are on the right track. I felt so much peace going into it. I felt truly blessed seeing so many people pray for us, all over the world. Believe me, I was so excited to tell you that, yes, he’s healed!! Or at least yay, there was improvement! You may think I was crazy but I had a dream the night before where the doctor even told me that we’re seeing such great improvement in his condition.

So I walked into the hospital with Clement with my heart full. Even though in concept I should be hungry, as Clement and I had to fast the day before so that the scope would be successful, but I was also able to spend so much time with God throughout that time, I felt refreshed. I had so much hope.

Clement came out a little later and my heart sank when he told me that there wasn’t any improvement at all. Everything still looked inflamed. The doctor took some samples for the biopsy and we’ll find out the results a few weeks later. Also, his 4th infusion is coming up in about a week and a half, so we’ll meet the doctor after that.

I was seriously upset. I was disappointed at God. I was angry. I remember yelling, “God, you failed me. You failed me.” I could barely talk to God that day or the day after that. How is it that He would give me so much hope and then not go through with it. I even believed the dream came from Him and that it wasn’t just a tease. I know I probably sound irrational but I felt Clement had suffered for so long already, he just deserves to be healed (!!). I just wanted to some reassurance that these improvements we were seeing were actually improvements. And when the doctor takes samples, they make little cuts in his colon, too, so we’re like back a couple of steps. if we’d moved forward 0.08%, we’re now back to -0.01%. Seriously.

But the second night after the colonoscopy, I opened my Bible and God finally answered me in Isaiah 55.

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

It was honestly hard to read it as tears were streaming from my eyes. I know this selection of verses, it was one of those ones that my mom would say to us every now and then throughout may circumstances in my life. But never had it meant more to me than this time, while Clement and I are going through this. And the promise of verse 11, that this journey was not meant to come through into our lives empty. It had a much larger purpose that He had sent it our way.

I kept reading the chapter and it had more to say.

12 You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”

Verses 12-13 really gave me renewed hope in this journey. A friend reminded me that sometimes dreams can be for the future, too. Another friend reminded me that this wouldn’t be our forever. I also zeroed in on the word “renown” in verse 13. Renown’s synonyms – fame, recognition, notability – but I think it can be defined as glory. This journey, is for God’s glory. Even though we can’t see it, because His ways are not our ways. We may never fully comprehend it, but we continue to persevere and to hope.

It’s honestly crazy but again my heart is full. Again, I realize that God is right behind us, right with us, right before us, that whatever this is – that it will be for his glory, no matter how long it takes.

I thank you again for keeping us in your prayers. For fervently praying and hoping with us, because I know God has a purpose for this unexpected journey and I know He will prevail.