One Month Postpartum The Second Time Around
And just like that, Jasiel is a month old! We’ve survived also being a family of 4 and by God’s grace we are all alive and well. So how is motherhood treating me this second time around? This is the question everyone seems to ask me. I want to be honest - it’s been an incredible season of grace upon grace. Yes, it hasn’t been easy either - there’s new lessons for sure, but there’s also some lessons I’ve learned from before that has definitely helped this season to be better than first time around. There’s been tears, but also lots of happy tears, of gratefulness for His redemption.
When Chase was born, the shock of motherhood and all that it entailed really shook me to the core. I wish I could tell you I enjoyed the newborn stage with Chase but I didn’t. The hormones hit me hard, and I felt the weight of responsibility of taking care of another human being truly overwhelming. Clement was also very sick at this time still, for the most of his leave he had to undergo hyperbaric treatment which took 5-6 hours of the day.
I was scared of being alone at home with the baby.
It certainly didn’t help that Chase definitely cried very loudly and as a new mom, I had no idea if he was crying “normally” or he was actually in pain. Breastfeeding, I discovered, was very difficult - whilst I was open-minded about it, I didn’t realize the toll it would take on myself. I quickly realized how much of a cooperative piece it was for both baby and mom, and Chase didn’t want to breastfeed, and being cried at a lot was difficult. While in my head, I accepted that fed was best, I still couldn’t help but mourn the fact that I couldn’t feed my baby the way I was created to be. After I worried about feeding, then sleep was a whole ‘nother thing as well. I felt responsible for every “mishap” in his sleep - was he undertired? Overtired? Did I get his wake times right? I felt that every little thing I did was going to have lasting consequences, whether it was feeding, sleep, health, I was wrought with anxiety and that affected everything around me, including my ability to sleep, or my relationship with Clement, I was just so broken by motherhood.
I certainly didn’t give myself much grace.
I just wanted to do it right for my son and I felt like a failure at every turn and beat myself up for it. It was only much later that I realized that motherhood was an invitation to surrender to God at every turn. I certainly didn’t have control over everything, no matter how much I thought I did. My son is human and so am I - there’s no such thing as perfection, they’re not robots that you could program to do exactly as planned. I was very grateful for the many mama friends I made along this time, including my neighbor Flo who had her daughter just a month after me, and journeyed with me every step of the way - because they really helped me navigate many of the circumstances and crossroads that I hit. Truly, there is wisdom from becoming a mother the second time around. You just learn what to worry about and what not to worry about. I am also so grateful that I took the leap to meet with a counsellor and helped me reflect on all my emotional baggage and learn how to deal with it.
How about the second time around?
Well, my birth story as I shared a few weeks ago, was a lot more predictable this time around, which was healing for me. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to broken sleep even before baby was born, so it wasn’t so shocking this time around to wake up often at night. God gifted me sleep this time around - I used to take forever to fall asleep but these days I’m able to sleep in between baby’s feeds, pumps, Chase’s night wakings, and who knows what else. Mentally, I’m in a much better state as well. Knowing that the first few weeks, the randomness of a newborn is normal, knowing that I can’t really “spoil a newborn” if she needed to be held to sleep or rocked to sleep. I do try to establish some rhythms though, such as feed-play-sleep routine, and try to see if she can get full feedings each time, and in the daytime try to have more “activity”, and at night, as “boring” as possible and she is laid to sleep after a feed. Newborn awake times are so short still (roughly an hour) and they spend a lot of time sleeping. I capitalized on the first few weeks of super sleepy newborn phase to finish assembling one of my invites for my clients! haha. I spend a lot of time just talking to her or letting her lie on her back to look around, or I take out my ukelele and we do a bit of a worship time together.
I find myself tearing up every now and then because I see the drastic change in the mama I saw in myself 4 years ago, who couldn’t even find herself to enjoy the newborn stage, or love her new role, or treasure the precious moments that everyone said would pass by so fast.
I felt so much guilt that it felt like I didn’t love my son enough then, but it was just me going through so much change, hormones, and postpartum blues + anxiety. But that’s why I think this second season is such a gift to me. We get one more chance to experience God’s miracle of creation (it still seriously boggles me how one tiny speck could become an alive, wriggly baby). One of the biggest changes this time around is Clement, who by God’s grace is healthy and able to help. I really don’t understand how people are able to single-parent or live without a village backing them up. My MIL, sisters, my parents, friends, church, have all showed up for us in so many different ways, whether it’s food, care for Chase, helping us buy stuff, encouragement, coming over to hold baby, praying for us, or even just company. We are so grateful and feel so blessed. Perhaps it’s because once you start a family your circle of friends also shifts to people with kids as well, so it’s definitely helped us a ton.
Nothing can separate
Even if I run away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But, You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
When this song was playing at church I couldn’t help but break down and cry in gratitude for God’s amazing grace and love this second season. Yes, it hasn’t been easier either - the combination of two kids is truly no joke haha but knowing that His grace is more than enough for me, and that there is hope on the other side. I remember the first time around people often told me “it’s just a phase, it will pass” (or that it’ll go by so fast), it’s so true.
Indeed, the days (or nights) are long, but the years are short.
In a blink of an eye, Chase was a newborn, and now, he’s 4 years old. All the sleep I worried about, well… we still sleep with him to this day and it’s good for our hearts even though he was independently sleeping before, haha. This first month alone felt long and short at the same time. Suddenly, she’s outgrown her newborn clothes, transitioned to 1 month diapers, went from drinking one ounce to drinking 4 ounces. At her one month checkup, she had already weighed 10.5 lbs, 3 more since she was born. Haha, yes she eats a lot. I’ve transitioned from primarily breastfeeding directly to pumping, which works for our family (more on that later). Seeing Chase coo over his baby sister truly has been such a treasure, I can’t help but go “awww” all the time :) He’s been going through so much change lately too, transitioning to a new school, going through lots of big emotions and power struggles… again, another phase we have to go through. Now I truly understand the wisdom in that, and our role as parents.