My Breastfeeding + Pumping Journey with Jasiel

It feels surreal to be writing this on my last day of breastfeeding/pumping. But I’m so grateful I got to nourish my baby girl this way. To some, this might not be long enough, but I have peace in my heart that this is the best decision for my family and it’s been wonderful to see Jasiel grow and thrive healthily, too. As a mom, I also dealt with feelings of guilt and sadness towards weaning, grieved over it for weeks, but I’m so grateful to have so much support around me and I feel at peace with this decision for my family. I wanted to share my journey so that if any of you wanted to know what it was like to be exclusively pumping for 7.5 months.

My breastfeeding journey with chase was short

Chase didn’t latch very well. As a newborn, he had a rather traumatic entrance to the world with the emergency C-section, then I was forced to breastfeed in the weird recovery room without any guidance, and the nurses on the floor had varying opinions of how to do this right. I was confused, frustrated, and didn’t understand what I was doing wrong. I didn’t realize that breastfeeding was such a teamwork kinda thing - both you and your kid will have to do it together. He didn’t like the flow of one of my breasts, and so I had to wear a Hakka on it to capture the milk and after feeding him, I would transfer the milk from the Hakka into a bottle and feed him with it. And then, if I didn’t have enough milk, I would top it up with formula. It was a lot of juggling around, spilt milk with the Hakka, and just overall frustration. It didn’t help either that Chase cried so loudly, and often times I didn’t even know what he was crying about. With me riddled with postpartum blues and anxiety, breastfeeding was one of the things I let go of so that I can focus on being a more present mom, instead of worrying and stressing about feeding him. After one month, he happily thrived on the bottle and on formula for the rest of his first year.

My perspective on the second time around

I was open to it. After my experience with Chase, I knew it had to be a cooperation thing with your baby and I didn’t know if Jasiel would be the same or not. So at least, I said, I would try. I spoke about this to my sister who had nursed exclusively for both her daughters and she did share that it was tough the second time around because now you’ve got the older kid and his/her needs as well. Totally, I get that.

My journey with Jasiel

I was so grateful to have had a much better C-section and recovery the second time around, and got to experience “the golden hour” where baby makes her way to the breast all by herself and nursed when she was ready. My milk came in a lot faster and earlier than with Chase, cause she latched way better naturally than Chase ever did. In fact, I remember being so engorged and warm that I had to put frozen cabbage leaves (thank you, Steph Dy) on my boobs after the third night. Nursing a newborn is so interesting because you are soaking in this fragile human being, but also living in a cloud of exhaustion because of the frequency of the feeds. And Jasiel, being a newborn, had a small stomach still and would only feed one side at a time, by the time I offered the second, no matter how much I tried to keep her awake, she would be sleeping soundly. There were times where I had to pump the milk from the other side just to maintain supply but also relieve the engorgement.

Chase got to stay with my mother-in-law and his cousins while we were at the hospital, and when he came home, it wasn’t right away but he definitely expressed that he needed me. Learning to juggle his needs and Jasiel’s needs became our new struggle. Since I had pumped some milk, we started to offer Jasiel the bottle. Clement and I also decided to do a split-night shift, and for a 4 hour shift, we offered Jasiel some formula because it was easier than having to warm up milk, so that I could a longer stretch of sleep.

After about a week’s time, Jasiel started to reject my left breast, which was the same with Chase. It got to the point that she would just cry at this boob, and push it away no matter how full it was. I was starting to have to pump more to relieve the engorgement of this one side. She would take the bottle with the pumped milk, or formula with no problem though. She probably liked the flow of it more. Then eventually, she would push away them both, so I had to pump anyway. I remember crying to Clement saying I just want to give up. I’m so grateful that Clement has always been so supportive of our feeding methods. That night, we ordered the formula machine.

At the same time, I was still noticing that my milk production was still high because of the amount I was pumping. I started to learn more about what it was like to pump exclusively and what it would entail. One of my friends, Maritza, exclusively pumped for both her children so I decided to reach out to her and ask for advice. I told Clement, I want to try at least for one month, just like what I did with Chase. Around the two week mark, we stopped directly feeding and went for the bottle instead. We would still occasionally directly feed, but I still remember the last time I got her to latch - it was when she was 5 months old. After that, she would always refuse it.

Why I love bottlefeeding

To be honest with you, going for the bottle was really relieving for me and my family. Chase often would ask when I would be done, and I had no idea when she would be done feeding. I quickly had to learn the art of walking around and feeding baby or doing things while breastfeeding, feeding with one arm while doing things with the other. Sometimes she would fall asleep at the boob and I’m a bit naptrapped, and while I love the cuddles, it’s so tough to balance with another kid around. Yes, Clement spent a lot of time with Chase during this time but I also know that Chase needed mommy sometimes too and we had to find our new rhythms. I didn’t want him to feel that he was no longer being seen and cared for now that he’s the “big kid” or that he was now replaced or that the baby was more important than him. Being the eldest, I knew what that felt like, and so navigating our new normal with Chase was relieved by sharing the responsibility of feeding, through the bottle.

I have mad respect for moms that can directly breastfeed because of all the randomness that surrounds it.

Breastfeeding is not only feeding, but it could be for comforting, soothing, a crutch for sleeping, and you literally don’t know how much they’re drinking. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d like to know if she had a full feed or not, because it does affect sleep. I always heard some of the cues saying if baby has had their fill like having their fists clenched to relaxed, but I don’t think that’s the case. Maybe as a newborn? But as the babies get older they have so much more “personality” and “style” around feeding, that they don’t do it anymore later on. As a newborn, too, it’s hard to keep them awake sometimes during feeding. So even though you want to encourage a full feed, they would pass out before that. Breastfeeding is also harder for the baby in terms of the sucking motion. I’m not surprised my two kiddos loved the bottle, they just enjoyed the flow of the milk being consistent and easy I guess. I didn’t have to worry whether or not they’re getting just the foremilk or the hindmilk. I’m so grateful that they took the bottle because it gave me a lot of flexibility, and I could share the responsibility of feeding. I know not everybody has this experience with the bottles and if you are a mom that had no choice but to directly feed the entire time - wow, you are so amazing. Kudos to you!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about being a mom, is that how much your family absorbs your energy.

If you’re sad, upset, stressed, it immediately affects the kiddos, the baby, the hubby even. So I strive to find my calm in the midst of the chaos, to make sure I’m nurtured, my love, joy and grace bucket filled, so that I can offer that to my family. And that’s why for my sanity, I chose to pump almost exclusively until the point where it just didn’t make sense anymore for my family. Juggling two kids and work, I was constantly calculating and remanaging the time for the pumps so that we could make it work.

6 pumps a day

I’ll also write another post about the tools and resources I found useful, but basically I started with 6 pumps a day, around 20 mins each time. In the beginning, they said to start with every 3 hours, but it was just too hectic for my family to pump, wash all the parts, dry them and also feed the baby, so I did 6 pumps, which was roughly every 3 hours during the day then slightly longer at night. Basically the goal is to have around 120 minutes of pumping a day. I started with pumping out only 3 oz each time and gradually increased to 5 oz per pump by the end of the first month. My schedule was 7AM, 11AM, 3PM, 7PM, 10PM, 2AM. I would adjust the schedule a bit depending on when she napped, cause it was hard to pump when she was awake. The 7AM one became a time Chase and I would hang out together and watch something while I pumped and he ate breakfast. During this time I was also using a wall pump so I was stuck to the wall, which made it quite challenging to be honest, but in the first few weeks we didn’t go out too often so it worked out for us.

5 pumps a day

Around 6 weeks we decided to move to 5 pumps a day at 25 mins per pump because it was just not sustainable with all the washing/drying/feeding etc. The 7PM one was the most annoying one because it was post dinner and I just wanted to spend time with Chase but then I was stuck to the wall. I also ordered my portable pump from Elvie (more on this on my tools post) so that my day pumps would be portable and would give me more flexibility as well. I had a few times where Jasiel was crying so hard and I was “stuck” pumping attached to the wall, so that was so annoying. With the pumps sticking so far out, it was so hard to hold her and cuddle her. But once I got the portable pump, it was life changing! I could cook, go for a walk, do errands, eat lunch, work and so much more. During this time I was even the maid of honor for my sister’s wedding! Haha. So my schedule became 730, 1130, 430, 930, 230. Depending on the time of day and the gap in between the pumps, it would range between 5-8oz. The 1130AM and 430PM one were portable pumps, since I still had a lot more output on my wall pumps vs the portable. During this time Jasiel would drink 3-4 oz around 6 times a day, so I usually had enough milk for her and even got to freeze some. And, whenever we didn’t have milk ready, we would just offer formula. So I was able to build a small stash this way.

While I was on this schedule we made it to Vegas around 10 weeks. That was definitely an interesting experience because we stayed at a hotel. We literally had to bring everything including a drying rack, bottle warmer, milk bags and bottles, pump parts and cleaning supplies haha. But at least with the portable pump, we could be on the go and not have to worry.

4 pumps a day

Around 18 weeks when Jasiel was 4 months old we switched to 4 pumps a day at 30 mins each pump. Clement was heading back to work so he would have less time supporting me as he washed and dried most of the parts. Jasiel was also transitioning to 3 naps a day by this time, so I adjusted the timing as well. My schedule became 830AM, 230PM, 9PM, 3AM. I remember the 3AM pumps a lot because that’s the one I would be working and also spending time with God. During this time Jasiel would have 3 bottles of breastmilk during the day, and 1 bottle of formula before bed and one bottle of breastmilk during her one feed at night. If she woke up earlier than 3AM then we would feed her formula. Honestly I’m so grateful that she was so flexible with this!

weaning

Just before she hit her 6 month mark, we started to pray about whether or not to continue. It took me awhile to process all of it as I was definitely feeling a lot of guilt around it. It felt like I was always making decisions for her, and gratefully she had been really flexible, but still… by God’s grace, He gave me the peace and the wisdom to let it go. Eventually we decided that we would start the weaning process once we hit 6 months. I was so so grateful I was able to feed her in this way even though it was even more tedious than direct breastfeeding, but with her growing up and being more active (she started crawling at 4 months…), my work getting so busy, Chase also needing mommy, I knew that I needed to let go of the 120 minutes a day that I spent pumping, which doesn’t even count all the washing and drying (mostly done by Clement but still!), all the eating/drinking to produce milk for baby.

I opted to go the slow and steady route here, that’s why we ended up pumping for 7.5 months because it took me 6 weeks to go from 3 to 2 to 1 to none. Then, we still used the frozen breastmilk for her as well until she hit 9 months, then we stopped.

Thoughts

I started writing this in March but it’s currently July now, and she’s 10.5 months old and she’s already walking so much, I’m so grateful that we stopped. The past few months we’ve had tons of travel and trips and with all the pumping equipment and bottles etc it would literally just not be sustainable to bring all the things around, it gave us a lot more flexibility that we can just give her a ready to feed formula bottle, etc. Cut down all the parts washing by 70%. She loves eating her solids and now her milk intake is getting less and less, and she’s thriving, super active and we love her joyful, adventurous spirit. I don’t think she missed my milk at all, LOL! But I’m grateful I had that time with her as well and so thankful we got to do it together.

xoxo,

Karla